


the one on the train

by mirkwood131



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Romance, Slow Burn, Smoking, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 04:17:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17257430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: After an unexpected turn of events, Baekhyun turns out to be Kyungsoo's Christmas present after all.





	the one on the train

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year, everybody!
> 
> Had this fic written for a while now, but with the winter holiday and everything, I took a break from writing.   
> A part of it was inspired by a story a friend told me about a drunk guy on a train; the rest is fiction.
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy:)

Kyungsoo leaned over the foggy window, breathing out over it. The blurry patch grew wider, and he drew a circle on top of it. He looked up, at the man walking between the aisles, stopping next to the seat in front of his.  
"Today is my birthday." the stranger said. "Wish me a happy birthday."  
Kyungsoo glanced back at the window, drawing a heart inside the circle, which he blurred out with another exhale.  
The man stopped next to him and said: "Today is my birthday. Wish me a happy birthday."  
But he only sighed in response, not even giving him a glance.  
"Today is my fucking birthday and nobody in this fucking train is wishing me a fucking happy birthday!" the man yelled, hitting the seat with his closed fist.  
Kyungsoo flinched, turning his head a little to see him and then, when their gazes met for a fraction of a second, he went stared back at the window. The trace of the circle was still there, barely visible.  
"Wish me a happy birthday!"   
"Happy birthday." Kyungsoo whispered.  
"Thank you!" the stranger yelled. "See? He wished me a fucking happy birthday."  
Kyungsoo drew a little heart right bellow the circle but he erased it with a fingers, letting the branches of the trees peak through the fogged surface.  
It was night outside and the stranger was walking away on the aisle, towards the end of the train. It was quiet, only the screech of the wheels on the rail, the scratch of branches on the glass. Kyungsoo was glad that he couldn't see his own reflection. Instead, he kept watching the other walk, lean over the blue cushioned seats and say something to those people.  
He closed his eyes, exhaled and traced the contours of the veins winding on his left wrist. The skin was warm, the blood right beneath his fingertips. Cold chills ran down his arms, up to his neck, feeling the shivers right in the muscles of his face. His palms were sweating.  
But the stranger came back, yelling something else: "Does anybody have a cigarette? I want a cigarette. Please, who has a cigarette?"  
Kyungsoo took the packet tucked in the pocket of his jeans and pulled one out. He waved it through the air until the man saw it and grinned, walking faster towards him.  
"Thank you! You are such a good, good person. If you were a girl, I would have asked you to be my girlfriend."  
Kyungsoo laughed, playing with the cigarette pack.  
"Uhm...you're welcome."  
"Where is the stop for New York?"   
"I'll tell you. I get down at New York too."  
"Really?" the stranger asked, grinning.  
"Yeah..."  
"Can I sit down? You know, today is my birthday. I can show you my Id..."  
"It's alright." Kyungsoo said. "I believe you."  
"Okay. I'm Baekhyun."  
"Kyungsoo."  
"I'm 26 this year." he said, grinning.   
"Nice."  
"Yeah, it's my birthday. You know, you've been the only nice person on this train. Really nice. And the cigarette."  
"It's okay. I have plenty of them anyways." Kyungsoo said, glancing at the way he kept rolling the cigarette between his fingers.   
"Are you upset?" Baekhyun asked.  
"Not upset." Kyungsoo sighed. "Just..."  
"I think I was upset too. Before." Baekhyun said.  
"That's our stop." Kyungsoo said, standing up.  
"New York?"  
"Yeah...have any luggage?"  
"I don't know." Baekhyun laughed, following him down the hallway, to the exit doors.  
They descended on the platform, between dozens of people, loud, coloured, bright clothes but grey, slimy faces; shouting, whispering and looking at others with frowns.  
Kyungsoo pushed a couple of people aside, looking behind at Baekhyun, who was following him.  
They stopped near the entrance doors of the train station, less crowded and with a trash bin near a lightning pole. Kyungsoo placed a cigarette between his lips and watched Baekhyun do the same. He lighted his first.  
"This is nice." he said, breathing out a cloud of smoke. "And so cold."  
"It's December." Kyungsoo laughed, exhaling upwards.  
"Yeah...I think I'm not that drunk anymore." he laughed.  
"It's the cold."  
"I suppose. But it's really my birthday even though I can't remember how I got on that train and why."  
"New York is nice during Christmas." Kyungsoo said, placing a hand in the pocket of his winter coat. His cigarette was hanging idly from between his lips while garlands of smoke were detaching from the corners of his mouth.  
"That's a stupid question, but can I crash at your place?"  
Kyungsoo laughed.  
"Yeah...sure, I don't see why not." he shrugged.  
"Cool."  
"Maybe in the morning you'll remember why you came to New York." Kyungsoo said.  
"Maybe." Baekhyun said and threw the stump on the ground, pressing it down with his boot. "Too many people for my taste."  
"You feel more alone among these many people, trust me." Kyungsoo said, placing his cigarette butt on the edge of the trash bin. "It's like you are invisible to them."  
"Like in the train."  
"Nobody pays attention to a drunk."  
"But you did." Baekhyun grinned.  
"Come on. My place is not that close."   
They took the tube after standing in line for 20 minutes, behind a couple with 2 children; both shouting and running around while the parents were sometimes grabbing one of them by the sleeve of its coat and shaking it until a sob would fill the already noisy place.   
"In these moments...I hate children." Baekhyun whispered.  
"I hate more the parents." Kyungsoo said.  
After 1 more hour, they were walking on the street, towards his apartment. It was all empty, with no people on it, just a stray dog or a man in grubby clothes staring at them from behind a broken fence, mouthing some words that they couldn't understand.  
"It's kind of creepy down here." Baekhyun said.  
"Only at night. It's 11."  
"Are you some sort of serial killer, taking me to his place to cut my stomach open and wrap my intestines around my neck?" Baekhyun asked, lightning another cigarette from Kyungsoo's pack.  
He laughed, breathing out a cloud of smoke. "Too...cold for me. If I were a serial killer as you say...I'd do something more dramatic."  
"Praise worthy?"  
"Hairs raised on your arms worthy. But at the same time kind of sad too." Kyungsoo said. "My place." he said, pushing the door open. "Third door on the left."  
He put the key inside the hole and twisted it two times.  
"Tadaaa..." he said.  
Kyungsoo turned on the switch as Baekhyun stepped inside.  
"Wow. So clean..." he whispered.  
"You can take the couch." Kyungsoo said.  
"Thankies. Uhm...some pyjamas if you have."  
"I'll look for something." he said, leaving the suitcase in the small hallway. "I'll clean the wheels first."  
"Should I take my shoes off?"  
"Please!" Kyungsoo shouted from another room.  
"Any other rules I should be aware of? No smoking inside? Keep everything clean? Swipe the floor 7 times a week?"  
"Something like that." Kyungsoo said as he came back holding a wet wipe. "You can sit down while I clean that."  
"It's fine."  
Baekhyun found the couch uncomfortable that night, turning on every side until he stood up, took the lighter and what remained of the cigarette pack and opened the window in the kitchen. The street beneath was empty, quiet and still, with the wind brushing past the branches of the trees.  
He heard a door creak and then footsteps of the wooden floor.  
"Not sleepy?"  
"You couch is shitty. And I feel a little sick too." Baekhyun said.  
"Need a pill?"  
"I'm fine. It will pass. Why aren't you sleeping?"  
"Insomnia." Kyungsoo shrugged.  
"Now you've got a companion." Baekhyun laughed.  
He looked at him, blowing out some smoke through the open window. "How comes that a guy like you lives all alone in an apartment like this?"  
Kyungsoo shrugged. "I like living alone."  
"I suppose you do."  
"And you? How's that you were drunk in a train to New York on your birthday?"  
"I have no idea." Baekhyun burst into laughter. "I should be freaking out right now."  
"Still thinking about the serial killer?"  
"Neah...just...what am I doing here? I remember everything up to how I got on that train." Baekhyun said.   
"And...how did you get drunk?" Kyungsoo asked, lightning a cigarette.  
"I went out with some friends. 3, actually. Sehun, Jongdae and Xiumin. Known them since kindergarten. Sehun is the model of the group. Has a lot of sex, a lot of money, sugar daddies, shit like that. Does drugs, does whatever you can think of. Jongdae is...he's a school teacher, music. Hates it. Hates kids. Xiumin owns a fast-food restaurant. He's married too. So we went to a bar yesterday and we did some shots, a lot, and I'm bad with drinking. And after that it's all blank until I got on the train." Baekhyun said, looking from time to time at Kyungsoo as he talked.  
"And...what's your job?" Kyungsoo asked.   
"Was. I worked at a gift shop. Then resigned, also yesterday."  
"Oh."  
"Not a job to feel sorry about."  
"I suppose."  
"What do you do for a living?"  
"Data analyst." Kyungsoo shrugged. "It's...boring. But the pay is good."  
"You seem the type of person to do that, anyways. Any girlfriend, something?"  
Kyungsoo shook his head.  
"Me neither. I always wonder how people do it. Get married before 30, have kids, get a house, have a good job, do all of that. It scares me shitless." Baekhyun said.  
"Then don't do it?"  
"What? All of that? I'm 26. Quite close to 30 to actually do all of that."  
Kyungsoo let the cigarette butt fall down on the icy ground and looked back at Baekhyun.  
"Do you have any weird secrets? Kinks?"  
"Really?!"  
"Come on. I'm just a stranger to you. I have no one to tell this stuff to. I'll start first. I really like it when people touch my neck. I'm sensitive over there."  
"That's not...fine. I want to...no, that's stupid to say. Sorry."  
"Come on, I won't judge." Baekhyun said, touching his arm.  
"I'm not sure that I'm ready to say it out loud."  
"Get it off your chest."  
"I'm...I want to...kill myself."  
"Oh...that's worse than all I could say. Okay...why?"  
"I'm...I don't see the point in living anymore. I wake up, eat, go to work, eat, go home, eat, sleep. All over again."  
"You also do some cleaning too." Baekhyun laughed.  
"Right." Kyungsoo smiled. "There's...1 week till Christmas. I planned to do it on Christmas day. Because I'm a coward and I'm scared."  
"Then why would you do it? You don't seem convinced about dying."  
"I'm not?"  
"Not really..." Baekhyun shrugged. "My life is shittier than yours. Can't deny it. And I'm not saying you don't have every reason to hang yourself or something, but I'm just saying I don't get why you'd do it. You'll still die at some point."  
Kyungsoo sighed, closing the window.  
"It was just a thought. I'm not sure I'll actually do it."  
"Well, I'm glad you are a coward then. I need you to stay alive because frankly, I have no freaking money on me. I only have you right now and if you kill yourself, what am I supposed to do?" Baekhyun asked.  
"Want to sleep on the bed with me?"  
"Better than the couch. Do you snore?"  
"I don't know." Kyungsoo shrugged.  
None of them fell asleep that night but they didn't talk more either. Baekhyun hugged his knees on the right side of the bed, staring at the wall in front of him while he could hear the other's breathing.  
The morning brought snow and wind with it.  
"Do you have any work?"  
"I'm free for 2 weeks." Kyungsoo said.  
"Then it's good. You could give me a tour of the city. Do some Christmas shopping. Buy some stuff, make some sponge cake and maybe some cookies." Baekhyun said   
"Sure. I have cookie cutters." Kyungsoo said.  
"Coffee?"  
"I'll make some."  
"Should I get a job or something to pay you for your kindness?" Baekhyun said, sitting on the kitchen counter.  
"It's fine. I told you, my salary is good enough."  
"I feel like Sehun."  
"Why?"  
"Sugar daddy, you know."  
Kyungsoo laughed, pressing a button on the coffee machine. "Consider yourself my counsellor. That would do for your...existential problems."  
"So you don't want to be my sugar daddy?”  
"I don't really like the idea." Kyungsoo said, taking the mug filled to the brim, giving it to the other. "Yours."  
"Does it have milk in it?"  
"Yes."  
"Thankies. The counsellor says we should go shopping for some good food." Baekhyun said.  
He took a sip and closed his eyes, smiling.  
"Money can buy happiness after all."  
"You like it?"  
"It's really nice."  
"I'm glad. We should buy you some clothes too."  
"You sure you're not my daddy?"  
"Shut up." Kyungsoo laughed.  
"I could call you that."  
"Please don't."  
"Why not? Are you really that disgusted by the idea? Not even you would say no to a piece of Sehun."  
"I would." Kyungsoo said.  
"You know...I don't have a phone either."  
"That's too expensive."  
"Fiiiiine."  
"I could buy you a flip phone."  
"But daddy..."  
"Stop it." Kyungsoo laughed, slapping him over the thigh.  
"So you like it rough, huh?"  
"Baekhyun..."  
"Yes, daddy?"  
"Let's go shopping." Kyungsoo said and Baekhyun jumped down from the counter, slapping the other's butt.  
"Okay, daddy."  
"Stop it or I'll kick you out of my apartment. I barely know you for a day."   
"Fine." Baekhyun said, rolling his eyes.   
They left the apartment in less than 30 minutes, taking a bus for 10 stops and getting off near a tall glass building.  
"The shopping centre is somewhere over there."  
"Are you going to buy me some clothes?"  
"Yes."  
"Maybe you are my Christmas gift."  
"Why? I'm suicidal and depressed."  
"And I'm your Christmas gift."  
"Maybe." Kyungsoo smiled.  
"Don't believe me?"  
"Baekhyun...you were drunk on a freaking train and I was nice to you just because I felt sorry for you. I had nothing to lose considering that I was thinking about killing myself. You are no gift."  
"Asshole." Baekhyun whispered. "Sometimes, things happen for a reason."  
"I let this happen. I could have kept quiet."  
"But you didn't." Baekhyun said, looking at him. "My so called friends let me get so drunk that I bought a ticket on a train to New York. I live in fucking Northampton."  
"I am not your friend."  
"You took care of me, admitting it or not."  
"Okay. Let's drop it, my Christmas gift. You only need a bow."  
"I could buy one." Baekhyun grinned.  
"Get inside."  
"Fiiiiiine." he said, rolling his eyes. "Do you have any friends?"  
"Yes."  
"Tell me about them." Baekhyun said, glancing at him.  
"Uhm...Jongin, he's a professional dancer. Chanyeol, he works at a music studio. And that's it."  
"Wow, many to choose from. The dancer seems interesting."  
"Stop thinking about bullshit." Kyungsoo said, pushing Baekhyun with one hand.   
"So...what do you want to buy me?"  
"What do you want? Nothing too expensive."  
"A sweater, some pants and probably some socks and underwear."  
"You are low maintenance." Kyungsoo laughed.  
"Don't you like that?"  
"Why do you make everything soo..."  
"Sexual?" Baekhyun asked. "To make you laugh."  
"Oh..."  
"I can stop, if you hate it that much."  
"It's fine." Kyungsoo said. "Sorry."  
"Come on. I want a blue sweater." Baekhyun said, wrapping his fingers around the other's wrist.  
They stopped in an H&M and in 5 minutes, Baekhyun filled Kyungsoo's arms with more than 10 sweaters and pants.   
"Won't you need a shirt too?"  
"I can borrow one from you." he said, waiting in line in front of the changing rooms. "I like that one. And it's pretty cheap too."  
Baekhyun entered the last stall, throwing everything on the chair as Kyungsoo pulled the curtain closed.  
"I hate trying on clothes."  
"Me too." Kyungsoo said.  
"What do you think?" he asked, pulling the curtain open.   
"It's nice...maybe a little too baggy?"  
"I like it baggy."  
"Then it's nice."  
"Well, you don't seem pleased, so I'll try something else."  
Baekhyun stepped out minutes later, wearing a tighter navy sweater. "Huh?"  
"I like it better."  
"It's pretty soft too..."  
"Uhm...when do you want to go home?" Kyungsoo asked.  
"Oh...that question..." Baekhyun laughed. "Whenever you get bored of me."  
"Won't your family worry about you?"  
"My family doesn't care about me. That much." Baekhyun sighed, pulling the curtain over himself. "I'll try the pants now."  
"Baekhyun..."  
"Huh?"  
"Nothing..."  
"What do you think?" Baekhyun asked.  
"Looks good. I like them."  
"Me too." he said, turning around to look in the mirror.  
"You don't have to leave...if you don't want to." Kyungsoo said.  
"Really? You know, it's your apartment, after all."  
"I know. But I don't mind you."  
"What a relief." Baekhyun laughed. "So, can I buy these?"  
"Yeah, give them to me. I'll go pay and you can change."  
They had spent the rest of the time shopping for food, filling the cart to the brim with everything from milk and flour to globes and garlands and sparkly installations. Baekhyun kept looking at him from time to time, squeezing his arm and pulling him over to show him whether a some pink alpaca slippers or a big, white bear.  
"Do you know how to make cookies?"  
"I have a cooking book." Kyungsoo said.  
"I can't really cook."  
"Then I'll teach you." he smiled.  
"I wish I had some money to get you some gifts."  
"Didn't you say you are my Christmas gift?"  
"Am I?"  
"You said it yourself."  
"Okay." Baekhyun smiled, rubbing the back of his neck. "Really? You meant it?"  
"Yeah...I did." Kyungsoo smiled.  
"Look. Marshmallows."  
"Do you want some?"  
"I'm not a kid..." Baekhyun said.  
Kyungsoo coughed: "Well, you did say I am your daddy so..."  
"Oh..."  
But he threw the bag into the cart, pushing it forward while Baekhyun was following him from behind with a smile on his face.  
"Kyungsoo..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Nothing..."  
"Why did you do that?" he asked, laughing.   
"I wanted to see your face."  
"Really?"  
"Come on. We are blocking the aisle." Baekhyun said while pushing him.  
He felt his whole chest buzzing with hundreds of butterfly wings, hitting the walls and then falling right in the pit of it.  
The way back home felt short, looking from time to time at Kyungsoo; bumping into him and laughing whenever their gazes would meet.   
"Are you alright?" Kyungsoo asked, putting the bags down on the kitchen table.  
"All good. Let me help you." he said.  
"It's okay. You can go change."  
"Are you mad at me?" Baekhyun asked.  
"No. I just thought that..."  
"I can help you. I don't mind it."   
"Okay."  
Kyungsoo was quieter afterwards, turning on the TV as Baekhyun left enough space between their bodies. After a while, he stood up and turned it off, letting the room get covered in darkness.  
"If you want, you can stay more..." he said.  
"I can go to sleep." Baekhyun said.  
"I'll make the bed."   
"Kyungsoo..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Are you sure you...we are okay?"   
"Yeah. Just tired." Kyungsoo sighed.  
Baekhyun turned the TV on again, hearing Kyungsoo walk around the bedroom and after a while open a window.   
"Give me one too." Baekhyun said.  
"I just feel...like nothing." Kyungsoo said, blowing out a cloud of smoke.  
"I wish I could make you feel more...really."  
"It's alright."  
"Kyungsoo..." he whispered, touching his arm.  
"I don't want you to feel sorry for me. It would make everything even worse."  
"Then...how should I feel?" Baekhyun asked.  
"Just...don't pay that much attention to it."  
"And one morning to find you dead in the bathroom with your wrists sliced open?"   
"I didn't-"  
"I live with you now. I practically depend on you and you feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it."   
"I've told you-"  
"That is not an answer." Baekhyun shook his head. "Today was pretty fun, admit it."  
"It was..."  
"Okay. And tomorrow we'll do some other fun stuff. It's snowing outside."   
Kyungsoo sighed.   
"We'll go out tomorrow and play in the snow. It's free, cheap and fun. But we won't stay locked in this apartment, alright?"  
"Why don't you go back to Northampton? I can give you money for the train." Kyungsoo said.  
"And think all my life about you and your face plastered on TV on the 5'o'clock news? You didn't think about how I'd feel, did you?"  
"Baekhyun...that's my choice." Kyungsoo said, throwing the cigarette out the window.  
"And what about everyone else that gives a damn about you?"  
"You barely know me!!" he shouted, slamming the window.  
"I know you enough to care...I'm jobless and the reason why I don't want to go back is because I have nowhere to live. I've lost my apartment through gambling." Baekhyun said. "Happy? Some have it worse than you do."  
"Asshole." Kyungsoo said and walked away.  
Baekhyun spent the night walking from the couch to the window, smoking the rest of the pack of cigarettes.  
Kyungsoo found him fallen asleep on the edge of the couch, mouth wide open, snoring.  
He sat down and waited, looking from time to time through the window at the branches covered in snow, falling in speckles over the wooden sill.  
"Let's eat and go outside." he said when Baekhyun opened his eyes.  
"Really?"  
Baekhyun stretched his body, yawning.   
"Yeah, I know a park close by."  
"Kyungsoo..."  
"It's fine. You can stay."  
"Okay."  
"I just wish you'd have told me the entire truth." Kyungsoo said.  
"The entire truth usually makes people disgusted with me."  
"I'm making breakfast." Kyungsoo said, standing up. "Go wash."  
The snow layer was thicker than they had both expected, barely touched as it was still early that Friday morning; not many people aside, huddle up with coats and scarfs around their ruddy faces.  
Baekhyun's heart was beating a little bit faster with each step, following Kyungsoo to a park not too far away from his apartment. It was all empty.  
"I'm tired." he said but right then, he saw the other rushing towards him and, without having enough time to say anything, he fell right in the snow.   
"Got you!" Kyungsoo laughed.  
"Hey!" Baekhyun yelled, throwing snow in his direction with both hands.  
But Kyungsoo already had some snow globes that he threw towards him. Baekhyun stood up; grabbed his middle and pulled him down.  
"Ha!"  
He shoved snow down his coat, near his neck.  
"That's not fair!!" Kyungsoo said, pushing him down. "Give up."  
"Never!" Baekhyun laughed, kicking him.  
Kyungsoo rubbed some more snow all over his neck until he pushed him hard in the chest, and fell on his back.  
"Now what do you say?" Baekhyun asked, hovering over him.  
"Never." Kyungsoo whispered and threw snow in the other's face.  
"That certainly had dog piss on it."  
"Did it?"   
"Yes!!"   
"I win." Kyungsoo grinned.  
"No, you didn't."  
"You are shivering."  
"I'm not."  
"Let's go inside. I don't want to pay your medical bill." Kyungsoo said, standing up.  
"That was fun..." Baekhyun smiled.  
"Yeah..."  
He looked at him with the same smile on his face and then sighed.  
"Want one?" Kyungsoo asked, opening the pack.  
"Yeah, please."  
"When did you start smoking?"  
"Uhm...eight grade, in the back of the school yard with a friend." Baekhyun said. "You?"  
"College."  
"Really?"  
"I was curious."  
"And now you are addicted." he laughed. "I wanted to give it up for a while..."  
"And what stopped you?"   
Baekhyun laughed, looking at the cigarette. "I'm not strong enough...that's why I've also been gambling."  
"I think I could just stop...but I don't want to."  
"You look hot when you smoke though." Baekhyun smiled.  
"Do I?"  
"There is that band...Cigarettes after sex. I like the name." Baekhyun said.  
Kyungsoo laughed. "Do they taste better?"  
"Depends on who you have sex with."   
"Maybe..."  
"Really...if it's meaningless, then everything afterwards it's just..." Baekhyun shrugged.  
"And if it's not?"  
"Never had non-meaningless sex. Sorry."  
"Didn't have sex." Kyungsoo laughed, throwing the stump in the recycle bin.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, why can't you believe it?!"  
"I don't know. Everyone seems to have some experience up to this point." Baekhyun said, following him down the path.  
"Not me."  
"That's fine. Better than just doing it for the sake of doing it."  
"You're just saying it now to make me feel better." Kyungsoo said, looking at him.  
"Not really. Have you ever been in love? Like...that type of love that just eats you from the inside and you can't think about anything but that person. And it finally ends in ashes and crap."  
"You've watched too many romantic movies." Kyungsoo laughed. "Not really. Just some crushes here and there."  
"I've really liked someone at some point. Not my meaningless type of flings." Baekhyun said.  
They entered the apartment and he stopped talking for a while, as he took off his coat and boots, watching Kyungsoo do the same.  
"And what happened?"  
"Nothing. He wasn't...into guys. So nothing. I knew it from the start."  
"Oh...you are..."  
"Gay? Yeah...does that annoy you?"  
"No. It's alright."  
"Okay. You go first in the shower?"  
"You should. With all that snow on you." Kyungsoo laughed.  
"Okay...I'll make it quick."  
Baekhyun closed the door to the bathroom, throwing his clothes on the toilet seat; he stepped into the shower and turned on the water.  
At first, it hit him cold, biting his face and shoulders but then, as it began getting warmer, his entire body started aching, burning wherever it touched him. He stepped aside, placing both hands under the spray. His eyes closed and he breathed out, waiting.  
Kyungsoo was waiting for him outside, on the couch, shifting between the TV channels, without stopping on anything.  
"I'm done."  
"Oh, alright." Kyungsoo said.  
"You could shower."  
He smiled, sitting up and walked into the bathroom, closing the door after himself. Baekhyun sat down and sighed, still feeling the warmth that gathered right underneath his skin.   
He heard the water stop and after a while, the door open; his wet footsteps on the hard wood, his body next to his on the couch.   
"Are you hungry?"  
"Not yet."  
"Baekhyun..."  
"Huh?" he asked as Kyungsoo started brushing his fingers through the hair in the back of his head. "That's nice..."  
"Okay...I can do it if you want."  
"A little." Baekhyun smiled. "Higher? Right there..."  
Kyungsoo smiled too, trailing his fingers through his hair, stopping at times and feeling the way most of Baekhyun body weight was leaning on him. He was still warm, his soft cheek pressed against his shoulder as his right hand fell on top of his thigh.  
"I wish this would never stop." Baekhyun whispered.   
"What?"  
"This...me, you, on this couch, feeling warm..."  
"Me too..." Kyungsoo sighed.  
Baekhyun looked up at him. Kyungsoo down, until their eyes met and his smile faltered. The fingers stopped somewhere on his head.  
"I think after Christmas I should head home. Find a new job. An apartment. Figure out my debts." Baekhyun whispered.  
Kyungsoo sighed, heavier than before and looked towards the wall.   
"Are you upset?"  
"No. You are right. We should move on with our lives."  
"Kyungsoo..." he said, touching his arm.  
His fingers left his hair, retreating on his leg.  
"I should make some food."  
"I won't leave if you don't want me to." Baekhyun said, grabbing his wrist. "Just tell me that you want me to stay, and I will. I don't care about Northampton or my shitty friends that let me get drunk on a train."  
"That's your life. Over there. Not here." Kyungsoo said, looking at him.  
"It's where I want it to be."  
"Why would you want to stay with someone who is suicidal?!"  
"Because that's what you want to believe. That you are suicidal. You said it yourself you are too scared to do it. And I can be your reason not to." Baekhyun said.  
"Baek..."  
"Just give this a chance. We can try. You can get some therapy. I can help you too. I'll get a job, share the rent, everything. Whatever."  
"Why would you do all of this for a stranger?" Kyungsoo asked.  
"Because...I'm no better than you...because..." Baekhyun whispered, looking down. "I like living with you."  
"And what if it doesn't work?"  
"Stop thinking that!" he said. "It has to!"  
"Okay..."  
"Good."  
"I'll make something to eat."  
"I can help you." Baekhyun said.  
"Chop the onion." Kyungsoo said.  
"I can't do that."  
"Why not?" he asked, smiling.  
"I'll cut a finger and cry too."  
"Don't be a baby."  
"Well...you are my daddy so you-"  
"Stop with that!" Kyungsoo said and kicked him in the thigh. "I am not...that."  
"Come on...don't be like this. Sehun had at least 10 sugar daddies. And he called them daddy and-"  
"I swear I'll punch you in the face if you continue like that." Kyungsoo laughed as pinched his cheek.  
"Okay...then what should I call you?"  
"Kyungsoo?"  
"I always give nicknames to people..."  
"Kyungsoo is good enough."  
"Kyungie?"  
"Kyungsoo."  
"Soo. That sounds sweet."  
"Still no."  
"Penguin?"  
"Why penguin?"  
"Because you are cute and small." Baekhyun grinned.  
Kyungsoo sighed, rolling his eyes. "Fiine, ByunByunnie."  
"I like it."  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah..." he smiled, wrapping both arms around his middle. "My penguin."  
"You're so cheesy..."  
"Maybe...but I made you laugh."   
"Maybe..."  
Baekhyun watched him cook, saying something from time to time and playing music from Kyungsoo's phone.  
"When are we going to buy one for me too?" he asked.  
"Whenever you want."  
"Tomorrow?"  
"Then it's tomorrow." Kyungsoo said.  
"Penguins are good on snow."  
"And I'm not?"  
"I don't know." he shrugged.  
Kyungsoo smiled, brushing a hand through his hair once again.   
"You like doing that..." he whispered.   
"Do you like it...when I do it?" Kyungsoo asked.  
"Yeah..."  
The day fell short, gluing black posters to the windows of the houses; Baekhyun sat down on the bed and turned off the light.   
“Are we alright?” he said, pulling the covers up to his chin.   
“I guess.”   
“What do you want or what you are ready to do considering..."  
"Yeah..." Kyungsoo sighed, turning around.   
"So...what are we, more exactly, jokes aside?"  
"Friends? Roommates? Uhm...more than friends?"  
"What is more than friends to you?"  
"Does it really have to have a name?" Kyungsoo asked, squeezing his hand.  
"A week ago you were no more than a stranger to me. Now...you are not. Now I can't wait to wake up next to you or have you brush your fingers through my hair. And sometimes I think that I want more but I'm scared that if I push you more, you'd break again and..."  
"I won't...break."  
"How would you know? It's almost Christmas." Baekhyun whispered.  
"You said it yourself: I'm a coward."  
"Maybe you aren't."  
"Baek..."  
Baekhyun faced him, chewing his then insides of his cheeks. "Can you hear the wind?" he asked.  
"Yeah..."  
"That's how it's been the night we met. The wind sounded just the same. And it snowed a little too. And...I've never asked...but where were you coming back from...?"  
Kyungsoo didn't say anything for a while and Baekhyun didn't ask.  
"I went to some town...to..." he swallowed, closing his eyes.  
"But you didn't."  
"No...I couldn't."  
"Why do you want so badly to..."  
"I don't really want it anymore. I'm not sure, at least."  
"Let's talk about other things." Baekhyun said.  
"We should sleep. It's late."  
"Can you hold me? I'm cold."  
"Yeah, sure..."  
Baekhyun shifted again, pushing his back against the other's chest while an arm wrapped around his middle. His breathing was equal, shaky at times when one exhale would become longer and then he wouldn't inhale right away, but wait; listen to Kyungsoo's breathing, his faint heartbeat.  
Days were passing one after another, almost the same, but different through simple details that were breaking at times Baekhyun's impression that he was caught into a circle; heading towards something he didn't want to now.  
He was smoking at the open window when an arm wrapped around his middle, pulling him backwards, while the side of his neck was enveloped by warmth. Kyungsoo; breathing air on his skin, kissing him slowly upwards, towards his hair on the nape.  
"It's Christmas." he whispered.  
"What were those for?" Baekhyun asked.  
"Felt like it. Were they bad?"  
He laughed, shaking his head. "Just took me by surprise, that's all."  
"Do you want to go in the snow?"  
"Let's stay in..." Baekhyun said, glancing at him. "I want to finish that book."  
"I could cook then." Kyungsoo said.  
"Are you happy? Like this?" he asked.  
"I think so...aren’t you?"  
Baekhyun didn't answer.   
"After this week...I have to go back to work." Kyungsoo said.  
"I know."  
He kissed him again, closer to the ear, and Baekhyun shivered. His fingers intertwined with Kyungsoo's, pulling him closer. The cigarette butt fell down into the snow, barely visible.  
"I...don't want this to end but at the same time, I know it must."   
"What should it end?" Kyungsoo asked.  
"This...it's like we are both waiting for something. But I don't know what it is..." Baekhyun said.  
"I don't think I want to find out."  
Baekhyun turned his head and looked at his face, at the slight stubble shadowing his cheeks and upper lip; he kissed him, slowly, as the wind kept blowing harder around them, but he felt alright, just in his arms.   
"You won't do it, will you?"   
"I...don't think so." Kyungsoo said. "As long as you are here, I won't."  
"Okay..."  
They spent the day on the couch or in the kitchen, a random phone call scattered in between. One of Kyungsoo's friends.  
"Maybe you should go and-"  
"I'm fine like this." he said.  
"We haven't left the house in days." Baekhyun said.  
"I don't really feel like leaving the house."  
"Okay. We don't have to..."  
Baekhyun stepped aside from the window, waiting for Kyungsoo to close it. It fogged up, towards the edges as outside started snowing again.  
Kyungsoo walked inside the kitchen, pulling pots and vegetables from the fridge, all in silence as Baekhyun watched him; the water was boiling after a while, while he kept stirring into the sauce.  
"Do you want to taste it?" Kyungsoo asked, looking back at him.  
"Yeah, sure..."  
"Are you upset?"   
"Just thinking...about some stuff." Baekhyun said. "It tastes nice."  
"Yeah? Good. So I can put the pasta in it."   
"Kyungsoo..." Baekhyun whispered.  
"Uhm..."  
"Do you...only like me because I keep you from having those shitty thoughts?" he asked, leaning over the table.  
"Why are you saying this?"  
"Maybe...maybe I should go home. Back home. Everyone must be worried."  
Kyungsoo laughed, looking at him. "You said..."  
"I know what I said. But I...I'm tired of being used for one reason or another. And even though it doesn't seem like it, but you do use me. Not like everybody else. If...this doesn't help you. The first second I won't be by your side you'll realize you are still miserable and you were only lying to yourself and me. So I should go home." Baekhyun said, stepping aside.  
"Don't...leave."  
"Sorry. I need to." “Baek!”  
He took the phone and the coat from the hanger near the door. Outside, it was so cold that his fingers started trembling; he had enough money in his pockets for a train ticket. The lights were still on at the windows and Kyungsoo's shape was there, at one of them, looking at him. Baekhyun waved, once and then ran, going inside the first bus that he saw.  
He reached Northampton at the first hours of the morning, the train empty, except for him. In the pockets, there was one single cigarette, one from Kyungsoo's packet.  
It was dark outside, grey sky as the light was blocked by the clouds. He did the entire way to Sehun's house on foot, stopping from time to time on a bench.  
When he knocked at the door, it was past 7.  
"Baekhyun? What the fuck?! I thought you were fucking dead. Didn't you watch the news?" the man asked, half naked in the doorframe, while rubbing one eye with his closed fist.  
"What news?"  
"The police is searching for you."  
"Is it?"  
"Yes." Sehun said, closing the door. "You look alright."  
"I am...alright. I suppose."  
"Are you hungry?"  
"A little. Uhm...is it Wednesday?" Baekhyun asked, sitting down on the couch in the hallway.  
"Yup. Second day of Christmas. Where the heck have you been this past week?"  
"New York..." he whispered.  
"New York? You've been to New York?! No cell phone, no anything. What the fuck was in your head?"   
"You and Jongdae and Xiumin got me drunk...last..."  
"Monday."  
"Monday and somehow I ended up on a train to New York. Ticket and everything." Baekhyun said.  
"And what...did you sleep on the streets?"  
"I..." Baekhyun bit his bottom lip. "I...met someone on the train."  
"God. I called the fucking cops, Baekhyun! And you...spent a little week in New York without calling anybody." Sehun said.  
"I think...that someone might have killed himself." Baekhyun said.  
"Are you kidding me?!"  
"He was suicidal. Is. Was..." he shook his head. "Is this real?"  
"What?!"  
"Me. You. Me being here?!"  
"Yes! Fucking shit! Baekhyun...what the fuck have you done? Someone might be dead and you just come out of the blue right after the bank sells your fucking house and belongings in an auction. You didn't tell me anything about gambling."  
"I was ashamed." Baekhyun whispered.  
"They sold-everything. Down to the last cent. You owed a fortune. You disappeared and then let me deal with your mess. Yours! They found cocaine. Under your bed. I had to pay them to keep their mouths shut." Sehun said.  
"Sehun..."  
"Shut. Up. Just. Shut. Up. Fucking moron!"  
"I'm clean!" Baekhyun yelled, standing up. "Clean for over a week. I'm different, a better person."  
"Really? And where are you going to live now? Here?" Sehun asked.  
"I..."  
"Clearly I've been stupid enough for these years so that you could use me however you needed. Now, I'm done. This is your last shit that you pull on me. No covering of your bullshit, no job searches, no anything. We are done. Truly. Done."  
"Sehun..."  
"Get the fuck out of my house, Baekhyun!"  
"Can I...give me 50. Please. For the train."  
"Here." Sehun said, throwing the money on the floor. "Now get out!"

Baekhyun got out of the train, more people than before on the platform. He looked around, but every face was unknown to him.  
Then, he saw Kyungsoo, somewhere in the crowd.  
He ran towards him, holding his breath until he reached the spot.  
"You are alright." he said.  
"Yeah...you came back."  
"I took the next train right after I arrived to Northampton." Baekhyun said.  
"Why?"  
"I missed you. A lot."  
"Baek..."  
"I was wrong. I used you too. We used each other." he said.  
"I..."  
"I lied...about a couple of things. I didn't work...where I said I did. I...was a manager. I...did gamble and take drugs and it all went well for a while until it didn't so...I went out with my friends and then...I just took a train towards New York, drunk, to leave all that mess behind. My house was sold in an auction, I got fired. And I left my friend deal with all of that because I was too much of a coward to do it on my own. So I used you as well. And now if you hate me, I understand."   
"Fuck..." Kyungsoo whispered. "I saw you...on the news. This morning. I thought I was going nuts."  
"Sehun called the cops the next morning after...I took the train. Actually...I went to see him but...he...we...I have no one else but you."  
"I have to think about everything." Kyungsoo said, shaking his head.  
"What changed?"  
"You hiding the truth from me? That?"  
"You were a stranger to me, how could I have told you that I was snorting cocaine from people's ass cracks?!"  
"God. You are-"  
"Disgusting?!"  
"Baekhyun, I'm not like this!"  
"I've never asked you to be. I was...you liked me the past week. I can change. Be who you want me to be."  
"That's not so easy." Kyungsoo shook his head.  
"Hypocrite. Now that you are good and alive, now you push me away when you find out that I'm just as fucked up as you are. I read your fucking diary. You've imagined your own death. Everybody crying for you. Missing you. Wishing they were nicer to you. I never judged you for that!"  
"Fucker!!" Kyungsoo yelled.   
"I like you just as fucked up as you might be. I expect the same from you. To like me just as fucked up.”  
"What else did you do? Huh?"  
"Embezzlement. Ran away. Fucked my best friend's girlfriend. I can write you a list with how much I deserve to go to hell. Do you really want that?"  
"No."  
"Then what do you want from me?!"  
"Let's go home." Kyungsoo said, turning around on his heels.  
"Home...?"  
"Where else?"  
"Okay..." Baekhyun whispered. "We could go eat."  
"I know a place close to my apartment."  
"I have some money...from Sehun." Kyungsoo laughed, glancing at him. “Stolen?” “Shut up and let’s go eat. I feel like crap.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wanted to write a somewhat happy fic, but...I didn't really. Anyways, being back home is both good and bad. 
> 
> Comments are well loved:)


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